Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
