I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
