Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I got inside last night via doggy door
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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