DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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