i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
