think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
