Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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