I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
