I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
