I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
