I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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