Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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