I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
