Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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