well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
