is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
