New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
