Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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