Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
