pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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