Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
stop calling my apartment porn island.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
