...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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