I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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