I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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