I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Everclear isn't food dammit
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
