We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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