plz talk dirty to me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
