I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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