I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
