Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
