i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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