Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
