I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
