we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So much rum. So many feels.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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