im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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