all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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