stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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