Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
