also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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