Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
