I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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