The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
