Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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