My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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