Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
