her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
