bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
