sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
