How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Couch. On fire.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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