tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
